Thursday, 13 February 2014

S201: Nowhere to Hyde.

So we open on several skyscrapers in some unnamed city, we then cut to the Movart Collection of Rare Jewels. I googled Movart and all I got was Google asking if I was an idiot who actually meant Mozart.
Shouldn't there be glass on these display cases? No wonder people steal them.
Suddenly, from the window, this shady looking green dude leers in at all the gems. Look at that leer, also look at that distended shoulder, Jesus Christ.
Are... are you all right dude? Need someone to pop that back in?
He leaps in through the window, naps a medallion of some sort, and then descends the building Spider-Man style, cackling like a maniac.
Friendly Neighbourhood Pervert
As he reaches the ground, there's this security guard who is just like, standing out the front staring off into the middle distance. When the leery dude lands he turns around and yells "It's the ghost of Hyde!" presumably he means Hyde as in Jekyll and, which shows a serious misunderstanding of both the story of Jekyll and Hyde and just also basic reality.
He looks lost. Someone should help him.
Also all he does is blow his whistle in his efforts to stop Hyde. He doesn't even tell him to stop.
Luck he has a whistle because ghosts fucking hate whistles.
We cut to the Mystery Machine parked out the front of a Malt Shop. It appears as though Fred has replaced his license plate with a strip of orange plastic.
It's not even like it's lazy animation, the car next to it has a number plate.
The creeper climbs into the Mystery Machine and we cut inside to the gang. Their waiter asks them how the Magic Show at the High School was, they say it was great, but really, how good could it have actually been.
A lie.
Scooby then summons two tiny ghosts and dances.
Shaggy is far far far too pleased.
He then robs Shaggy of yet another meal, the punishment for which Shaggy suggests should be death.
"I'll do a vanishing Scooby act!"
The gang then leaves and begins discussion of a movie called "I Was a Teenage Blob". Velma describes how the Blob would hide in the back of cars and jump out at it's victims. She then does this nasty throaty laugh for way too long. Hyde then pokes his head out of the blanket he was hyding under and makes this stupid face, like he's thinking "Oh man, dude, that's what I'm doing. Today is the best."
"Oh man it's good to be me!"
Fred takes a creepy short-cut because of course he does, and when Velma and Shaggy complain about it giving them the chills, Fred replies "that's because the heaters broken." Fred you are so scary.
Fred's will is law.
Scooby then reveals Hyde, who scares everyone out of the Mystery Machine and into a log. Scooby once again bends the laws of space and time and somehow crams his whole head through a tiny hole in the log.
Scooby Snake
Hyde then runs off into the marshes. Wait... what the fuck kind of city is built right on the edge of an empty Marsh. Why did Hyde want to get to the marsh? Why was Fred taking them there? Velma then claims that it must have been the ghost of mister Hyde, based on his facial features. Is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a factual event in this world? One that is so well known everyone just know's how they look at a glance. Also it is pretty clear here that Daphne has no clue what is happening.
She's just waiting for someone to explain it to her.
Fred forces the gang to follow Hyde, who eventually leads them to a creepy mansion in the woods. Velma mocks Shaggy for being scared, and Shaggy fuses with Scooby out of fear.
Just kidding, Shaggy is actually chewing on the disgusting, mud filled nails of a great Dane . Scooby looks suitably affronted about this.
Scooby looks so betrayed.
The gang heads in and Fred's body betrays him for the inhuman elder thing he really is.
Just imagine his neck gets longer and longer until he's this pink snake with Fred's head saying "Well Gee Gang!"
The gang fall into a trap pretty much straight away, and Scoob gets his nose caught in a spring. It's actually pretty sad if you imagine it's a real dog.
Seriously, saddest thing.
The gang just lie there having the most powerful non-penetrative orgy ever imagined.
Fred's hurting, but it's a good hurt.
They find that they've landed in a laboratory, one which Velma claims must belong to the ghost of Hyde. Does ghost mean something else in Scooby Doo's America?
Nothing here achieves anything.
Turns out it belongs to actual living scientist Dr. Jekyll. I use scientist pretty loosely here, apparently he's becoming the monster because he made a vitamin supplement and something went wrong. Something would have to go pretty fucking wrong for it to make you turn into Hyde's ghost. I'm starting to think this guy with a dusty basement full of cobwebs and old glassware isn't a scientist at all.
Fred promises Dr. Jekyll that the gang will help solve the mystery, so the gang begins to search the mansion. You know what that means, Hy-motherfucking-jinx. Again only notable for a couple of snapshots.
There were bats in the chest. Someone, for some reason, filled a chest with bats.
Never ape a grape mape.
Was this comedy in the 60's? Animals yelling at other animals?
Eventually the hyjinx stop and Scooby and Shaggy are accosted by a stern housemaid who's body is just not in proportion. Her head is tiny!
Some kind of German Super-soldier.
The rest of the gang are searching another part of the mansion. Fred is just pawing at the fire place, like, I can't quiet explain it but he's just like flopping his hands all over it. Eventually he finds a piece of burnt newspaper depicting a famous trapeze artist. There is also some classic Scooby Doo hieroglyphs.
Not English
Fred explains what a trapeze artist is to Daphne and I literally cannot figure out how she's actually standing in this snapshot. Like, how does her hand and arm work here? Why is she so close to velma, also she's huge. It is seriously insane.
MC Escher, where are you?
Fred then puzzles over what it could all mean whilst Velma just kicks it.
Velma is just so fucking sassy.
We cut back to Shaggy and Scooby who are in a library looking through books. It's awesome, some of the books have the best titles, including: Lizards, Snakes, Plastic Surgery, Marquis De Sade, and my personal favourite, "Dracula Manual"! Holy shit! A manual for Draculas! Also the Marquis De Sade thing is pretty dark considering he was like the inventor of sadism. Still not as good as Dracula Manual.
Then you know, more hijinx.
Creepy fucking hijinx.
Pretty racist hijinx too.
Velma, Daphne, and Fred are searching a hallway, Velma finds a schute that leads to the Laundry Room. Daphne wonders what might be in there. Laundry, Daphne, it's- it's laundry.
Don't look so smug Daphne you god-damned idiot.
Shaggy and Scoob come hurtling down a banister and smack into Velma, causing the three of them to tumble down the laundry shoot. Shaggy then gets his neck broken by an ironing board.
Shaggy dies on the cold stone floor. It is a tragedy.
Velma finds some muddy boots and decides Helga the maid is to blame, so the whole gang goes up to her room to harass her. In her room they find phosphorous paint and some knock-out drugs. Scooby eats a banana and that's a joke. Shaggy then says he found something of note in the fruit-bowl but Hyde kidnaps him before he can tell them. Fred, simply, does not care.
Hyde has taken Shaggy to the laboratory, where he intends to turn Shaggy into a frog. I don't... why? He's not really a ghost... or a witch I guess. Then we get hijinx to a rad sixties love song for no discernable reason, so that's new and neat. I love so much how irrelevant it is to what's happening. Here's a link to a creepy you-tube video about Fred and Daphne to the same song, ( Anyway there are hijinx:
An avocado with a dinosaurs face.
Shaggy remembers everything.
No comment.
Well, yuck.
Shaggy revelas that he found suction cups in the fruitbowl, and Daphne just suddenly looks really really tired.
"Fred, I just... I just can't right now."
Fred comes up with a trap involving everyone dressing up like Hyde and scaring him into a trapdoor. Turns out it was Dr. Jekyll. Turns out he was angry because he was a shitty scientist and so he just started committing crimes. Which is, well, pretty pathetic. He doesn't explicitly go to prison, but it's probably safe to assume he will.
Dude's going in the slammer.
Well the was it, the first in a series of eight. Fuck.

Jackson Bee,


  1. Hi, nice to see you started with the 2nd season, I was missing those cruel commentaries of yours.. especially regarding Daphne, hahaha!!

  2. wow, i missed so much your reviews, i've bursted in laughing with every episode, will you do the rest of them?