13: Which Witch is Which?

We open on a shot of what is clearly an adult Batboy canoeing through a murky swamp.

"Come again?"

He looks at the camera and we cut to the Mystery Machine trundling through what is evidently the same swamp. Apparently the Gang was going on a fishing trip and it didn't turn out very well, Shaggy is insurmountably pissed off. Velma tells Shaggy that Scooby hasn't given up yet and we are shown a shot of Scooby fishing in a bucket. Fuck you Velma, Scooby, and Shaggy in that order.

You have to wonder if he like, set this up? Did the gang fill the bucket for him? What even?

Fred then admits that he has no idea where they are. When he says this he has this kind of wide eyed stare on his face, like he really has no idea where he is or what he's doing. Luckily they see someone with a light up ahead.

He looks like decent enough right?

Of course its Batboy Senior who just grunts at the Gang until Shaggy screams: "ZOMBIE!" and they drive off. Now far be it for me to mock Scooby Doo, but what the fuck Shaggy? That's not what a Zombie looks like. If anything he looks like someone who was in a horrible fire.

Burn victim or undead?

The Gang winds up somewhere called Swamps End. Which is pretty much an abandoned town, to be honest. It's at least got one resident, a lumberjack dressed like Michael Jackson.

"A hoo hoo!"

He tells them that he's seen the Zombie himself, as well as the old witch that brought him to life. Apparently the witch turned up recently, and Michael Lumberjackson came across her when he was hunting for frogs with his partner Zed. Something that apparently involved tridents.

Frogs can only be murdered by the God of the Sea.

They spy the witch making a Zombie from a fire. Seriously, what do they think a Zombie is? Because there's just fire there one second, and then a Zombie.

Totally not how a Zombie happens.

Velma is a total bitch and scoffs at the kind man's story. Scooby eats a jumping bean which causes him to jump. Fucking hell.

Yeah be ashamed.

Scooby makes a mess and Fred tells Shaggy to go look for Zed. Shaggy freaks out and starts to look like a Zombie himself.

Fred seems sort of pleased.

They find his house and it's deserted. Turns out the guys name was Zeb. What the fuck kind of a name is Zeb? That's the name you give to an Alien if you're seven.

 Not a name!

They go into Zeb's house and we discover that he lives like an animal and has no electricity. In fact everything is covered in cobwebs and I'm suspicious that Zeb doesn't actually live there and is Michael LumberJackson's lover. Scooby accidentally hurls a cobweb at Shaggy and Shaggy panics like a little bitch.

Like a little bitch.

They hear a noise outside and Shaggy cons Scooby into investigating by flipping a coin and doing the old "Heads I win Tails you lose" trick. I would like to note that the coin is just like pure gold, and after seeing Shaggy shamelessly steal an ancient Egyptian artifact in the previous episode I have no doubt this is another example of the same.

You are the worst kind of terrible.

Scooby investigates but it's just a chipmunk. I got scared because I thought it was Scrappy Doo. It wasn't but jeez, close call.

Scooby laughs like a maniac for the entirety of this.

Scooby kisses it and runs back inside, where Shaggy has found a Zeb voodoo doll. Suddenly everyone's back in the Mystery Machine and Velma is admonishing Shaggy for thinking that the voodoo doll was actually a shrunken Zeb. Holy Christ.

"A tiny man!"

We then cut to the Zombie (?) paddling the Witch (haha) in a canoe. The witch sort of looks like she's trying to remember if she forgot something.

"Fuck did I leave the TV on?"

The Gang attempt to intercept her but have no luck as she mysteriously disappears, they decide to carry on regardless and come across all these signs telling them to turn around. The Gang just ignore them and carry on because they love trespassing. They finally reach the witches hut, which, I might point out, is covered in human skulls.

Straight up human skulls.

They break into the hut and find voodoo dolls of themselves. For a second I thought they'd broken into my house, but no, apparently it's just the witch trying to scare them off and not the show becoming aware of me and fighting back.

My dolls are far better crafted anyway.

Scooby then creeps me the fuck out by stabbing the Shaggy voodoo doll with a pin and giggling like a psychopath.

Scarier than Fred almost.

Shaggy feels pain but it turns out he was just sitting on a fork. It is at this moment that the witch arrives and menaces the Gang. She then does the single best thing ever in an episode of Scooby Doo Where Are You? blows up Daphne.

Best thing ever.

After some sleuthing the Gang discover that in fact Daphne just fell through a trapdoor. Something I am severely disappointed about. Scooby finds some footprints, and they follow them to an abandoned river boat.

I wonder if anyone knows this is there.

They decide to split up and, you guessed it, look for clues. Shaggy is really pissed at Scooby for some reason and yells at him. When he does this he almost looks like a regular human being.

Shaggy almost looks badass here.

They find a box on the deck and decide to open it up. It's full of Zombie and Shaggy's hair goes crazy.

ABOOGA BOOGA!

There are some hijinks and a potato with the word soap on it happens.

Yup.

The soapotatoe Rube Goldberg some shit up and opens a locked door. Inside is Daphne tied up and covered in a blanket. Daphne is always getting captured and tied up, I wonder if she has a psychosis yet.

She should probably see someone regardless.

Fred then spies some power tools like it's a big deal, and everyone wonders what a witch would want with power tools. Duh guys, to make furniture. Velma says she's figured it out and then the witch appears. If Velma had figured it out she wouldn't run from the witch because she's just an old woman in makeup. I think Velma was just lying because she's a smug bitch. Fuck you Velma.

FUCK YOU!

The Gang land on a pile of coal and Velma gives Fred one hell of an upskirt. Hell the entire time he's talking he's just straight up looking up her skirt. You are a pervert Fred.

Fred is loving it.

There's some more goofin with Shaggy and Scoob which, as always is only worth it for some bizarre still images.

Fuckin

Crazy.

Scooby and Shaggy steal the witches broom and fall off the boat and onto another, better boat. The rest of the Gang think Shaggy's the witch and proceed to beat the shit out of him. Shaggy reveals himself and the Gang just sort of gloss over the beating and steal the boat.

Thieves. Filthy thieves.

On their way out of the riverboat the gang crash into a dummy version of the witch. They then realize the boat wont stop and Scooby throws an anchor into the swamp, it catches on an armored car. Woah guys, this... this really seems like something the police should be involved with. Call the police.

This is the kind of thing for trained professionals to deal with.

Fred sets up a trap involving the sacks of money in the armored truck. It's really convoluted but I guess it works.

This is why I hate everything.

Turns out it was Zeb and Zeke (Michael Lumberjackson) who, believe it or not, stole the armored car in the first place and drove it into the swamp. They then decided to live in the swamp for several years and search for the truck again. I... what? How is that a reasonable plan? Everyone talks about how long the truck has been missing so they must have been living in the swamp for years. Fucking hell. At least I'm not the only one who finds this ridiculous.

"The fuck?"

Three more episodes and I'm done for season 1.

Fuck yes.

Goodnight everybody.

Jackson B.