04: Mine Your Own Business

Before we begin I'd like to comment that: 'Mine Your Own Business' sounds like a terrible piece of business advice. If you manufacture like, calenders, then mining your place of work will have disastrous effects.

We open with a panoramic shot of a deserted ghost town. A turkey vulture makes a noise like a screaming child, and we zoom in on an abandoned mine.

Out of the cave stumbles what is evidently just a homeless person, the background music crescendos at this point, so I guess we're supposed to be scared. Really we should be happy that someone in his position has a whole town to live in.

Just a homeless man living in a mine.

Of course the gang are nearby. They are going somewhere, where is never specified, and have become lost because Shaggy was holding the map upside down. Weirdly enough this news frightens Shaggy, even though the map he was reading read: Ghost Towns. I honestly don't know what he was expecting.

See? Ghost Towns. Also Fred looks on the verge of tears.

They decide, against all logic and reason, to spend the nigh there. Apparently there is a motel, this works out well for us because it is run by the most brilliantly homosexual character ever to appear in Scooby Doo.

Plus he's ginger.

Look at this guy, neatly combed hair, cravat, muscular body, wearing what is obviously a woman's coat, man's a dandy. He invites them in to stay. Scooby sees a mousetrap and - wait we're getting a longshot of the Motel Owner.

It's not even a coat it's a ladies pantsuit.

Cowboy boots! He's wearing cowboy boots! So awesomely gay.

Anyway, a wizened old dwarf of a man called Old Hank, takes them to their rooms. Upon wondering at the lack of other guests Hank tells them that they town's being haunted by a: 'Miner 49er'. News so shocking it causes Velma to spontaneously develop lipstick.

This started freaking me out because I thought maybe she always wore lipstick, but no, just this one time.

Fred, grinning like a sociopath, decides that they should all go explore the dangerously old and unstable Ghost Town. Fred scares me so much, he grins all the time, and when he's not grinning, he looks like he's about to cry. It's so unnerving.

Now in doing this blog I kind of wanted to stray away from the whole: Mystery Inc. are all stoned theory. It's been done to death and I wanted to be fresh with my mockery. But when they drive through the Ghost Town and Shaggy freaks out because he sees a door fall slowly and undramatically over certainly makes me wonder.

Fred actually stops the van and turns to Shaggy and angrily admonishes him.

Everyone looks so scared.

Whilst exploring the gang come across a bar. Shaggy and Scooby sit down and ask for two sasparillas. Instead the Miner 49er sends them to mugs full of cobwebs, causing Shaggy so much pain and fear his eyes become an inky black with all of the terror in the cosmos, and his face to distort as he experiences all the trauma that ever was.

Mind

Bending

Terror

Then there is a wacky incident involving a Player Piano. haha!

 They find a map hidden inside a cigar store indian. Velma thinks she's clever by pointing out to the rest of the gang that this was because someone was hiding it. On the map they find the combination to a safe in the hotel lobby, and they decide that it is well within their rights to go and unlock it.

Inside the safe is a secret elevator, a concept I'm having a hard time reconciling with. It takes them down to a creepy old mine. Daphne complains that it is dark, and Shaggy, who we cant even pretend isn't functionally retarded, lights some dynamite. Maybe he had a death wish? More likely he was trying to save them all from Fred's sadistic control over their lives. He throws them away and they somehow detonate harmlessly.

They split up to look for clues, resulting in Shaggy and Scooby having a run in with the Miner 49er/homeless person.

Look at his huuuuuge hands.

He doesn't really do much but clench up and then relax, but Shaggy and Scooby still scream with horror. Perhaps he's pooping himself.

Fred, Daphne, and Velma are having even worse luck. Whilst exploring a store room Fred falls through the floor and lands on a pile of flower, covering him head to foot. Whilst he's covered he makes these awful noises, like he's got some terrible disease, sort of, and I wont be able to do it well here, but sort of: Hoooph, hooph. It's nasty.

He tries to escape and runs into Shaggy and Scooby, who, being morons, mistake him for a ghost. They get into some minecarts and ride away. Unfortunately the homeless man/miner 49er was probably using them as a bed or something, because he springs up and clenches at them.

He was sleeping you arseholes!

They escape him by jumping into some barrels. Daphne inexplicably falls into a mineshaft. Seriously, one second she's standing there watching Scooby and Shaggy fall into barrels, the next second, down a mine. The fuck?

I'd also like to point out that Daphne has, like, herpes for this entire episode, her mouth is all puffy and weird. I think it's supposed to be lipstick, and the animator had gotten tired of caring, but it looks so weird one has to wonder. She also seems a little drunk.

Right?

After rescuing Daphne they find a wire leading to a speaker, following the wire in the other direction leads to a tape recorder making spooky moaning sounds (did I mention the cave was said to moan? Because of the miner for some reason? I didn't? Can you honestly say you care though?) Shaggy mistakes crude oil for chocolate syrup; my hopes were dashed when he didn't drink it.

They set up a trap that results in them locking the miner/hobo in a tool-shed and then running him down with a mine cart, he gets flung over the edge of some old wooden structure, and, as he hangs on for dear life, the gang removes his mask.

Fred Jones attacks mole people with beards.

Turns out it was Old Hank, from earlier, he wanted to scare people so he could buy the mine and get all the oil. When they're explaining this to the gay motel owner we get this great exchange:

Motel Owner: So there must be gold in those mines!
Daphne: Not Gold! Black Gold!

So, still gold, in a way. You could have just said oil.

Apparently Old Hank is going to prison, although I can't think of what crime he commited. Scooby gets some apples from a tree using the stilts and falls into a trough because fuck this show.

Just... fuck.

For such a classic episode that has been referenced in the live action movies and various other medias, this one is pretty shit. Two inexplicable prison sentences out of five.

Goodnight everybody,

Jackson Bee