Sunday, 31 July 2011

11: A Gaggle of Galloping Ghosts

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in such a long time I have been quite sick and I feared watching an episode of 'Scooby Doo Where Are You?' might have made it worse.

We open on a castle battlements, where a... wolfman? Something like that, it's skin is purple, looks down forlornly from the battlements.
Kind of looks like a sad hippie.
Turns out he's looking at the Mystery Machine as it trundles up the road to the castle. Fred informs the rest of the gang that the Castle is Franken Castle (The pause is his, not mine) the only castle to have been imported stone by stone from Transylvania. Daphne expresses her concern because of all those "stories about werewolves in Transylvania" Goddamit Daphne! What do you think they somehow transported a werewolf with the stones? And just didn't notice? I hate you so much.
You make my blood boil Daphne, I hate you so.
Suddenly they come across a Fortune Tellers wagon (because apparently we are in medieval Europe) Daphne wants to go have her fortune told but Velma immediately shoots her down. I don't know who I should be more ashamed of: Velma for declaring something like this nonsense when she travels around with a talking dog solving supernatural mysteries, or Daphne for believing in something like fortune telling when everything magical they ever experience is just an old man in a wig. Whatever, they decide to go anyway.
I don't understand the dimensions of the Mystery Machine, seriously what is going on here?
The Fortune Teller is some kind of terrifying lizard woman.
Or frog person, something slippery.
The Fortune Teller warns them that they will meet their doom if they keep going to Franken Castle. Unfortunately, the gang being who they are, they go anyway. Lightning begins to strike and Shaggy expresses his reluctance to stick around. Fred just smiles and tells him to go out into the thunderstorm to look around.

Do as your told children...
Before they can obey Fred the drawbridge comes down to reveal a cheesy movie Dracula who is kind of awesome.

Welcome to my big gay castle!
Velma is a total bitch and tells him that they have permission to visit the castle. For Christ sake Velma, he's Dracula, fucking, you can't reason with him! Dracula just ignores Velma and turns into a bat. I want to make it clear that he literally disappears and then there's a bat where he was. That's going to be important later.

We all seeing this?
As the bat flies at the gang, the drawbridge begins to rise. Daphne, either not understanding what is happening and being too goddam dense to follow the Gang's lead, or paralyzed with her fear of drawbridges doesn't move and is caught when the drawbridge closes.
She slides down and comes face to face with a Frankenstein's Monster, or at least, I assume that's what it is, it's big and bulky and green and it makes those semi-brain-damaged noises like "ughhhhhh!"

Still not as retarded as Daphne.
Scooby and Shaggy swing, Tarzan style, across the moat, and try and unlock the drawbridge. The werewolf from earlier stops them however, and Shaggy gets some kind of tumor.
Is.. is it benign?
Shaggy and Scoob run from the werewolf and hide in a windowsill and piano respectively. Shaggy uses his ventriloquism powers to anger the werewolf which results in, well, an angry werewolf. Not sure what Shaggy was really going for there. There werewolf attacks a knight and the knights axe nearly kills Scooby. You done fucked up shaggy.
Scooby never wants to experience such terror again.
Fred and Velma are wandering another part of the castle, Velma wonders where Shaggy and Scooby could be, and Fred replies with the most hilarious Mexican sounding "I don't know" I've ever heard from a teenage Aryan sociopath. They find a room set out for a fancy feast, and run into the Dracula from earlier. Once again he threatens them and turns into a bat, I've done my best to capture that transition phase as best I can.
Everyone saw?
The bat swoops them and Fred suddenly gets little crab person hands and grabs Velma's shoulder.
Thalidomide. Nuff said.
They both duck and Velma loses her glasses, causing her to wander off down a secret passageway, something Fred apparently didn't notice. Too busy with his baby crab hands, most likely.
I fucking love my Crab Hands!
We move back to Shaggy and Scooby, they are exploring the castles kitchen, because apparently, "There should be some pretty good stuff around here." not sure what he's basing that on, exactly. In the refridge (some Shaggy slang for you) they find: Pickled Vampire Wings, Werewolf Snacks, and Fried Moonbeams. Do Vampires eat their own wings? or were they for the Frankenstein?
PICTURED: A complete fucking mystery.
Hijinks ensue and they end up in the dumbwaiter.
What kind of Dumbwaiter has a meathook go directly into it?
Cut back to Velma who is blind and in a torture chamber. She hides in a barrel but is eventually found by Shaggy and Scooby who were just wandering around there casually commenting on the skeletons. Skeletons. Of people who were tortured. *shakes head* You assholes just stone cold don't care.

They find Daphne in a dungeon in the same torture chamber, and release her. At the same time Scooby wraps a rope around the Dracula's legs and drop him in the dungeon, instead of, you know, finding out who he is. They find some other tunnel to go down and eventually meet up with Freddy, inexplicably losing Shaggy and Scooby in the process. Daphne has found a clue (or thinks she has) which leads her, Velma, and Freddy off to find the Franken Crypt.

Scooby and Shaggy are in some kind of mad scientist rumpus room (his words, not mine) not much happens except that they throw acid (that I think they were intending to drink) at the werewolf which makes him explode.
Take that teen wolf!
They then run into the Frankenstein from earlier, and somehow end up in an incredibly intimate position.

Say my name.
or two
SAY MY-oh hi guys!
In the Franken Crypt they find the Dracula from before, he chases them and they catch him with a tapestry. Somehow he disappears, leaving only some jewelry.

I will be eating this.
and a piece of cloth which Shaggy holds with a broken wrist,
With no context, would you be able to figure out what this is a picture of?
Turns out the jewelry came from the Fortune Teller, who it turns out is actually Big Bill Okleigh, a criminal who is also a master of disguise who had been dressing up as monsters to scare away people from the castle. Also something about jewels. Not important. What is important is that they never explain how he could disappear! Or become a bat! Fuck these guys! Fuck everything! Even just say holograms or projectors! Don't just leave it and be like, *shrug* who knows? I hate you Scooby Doo.

Goodnight Everybody.

Jackson Bee

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