Wednesday, 15 June 2011

07: Never Ape an Ape Man

We open on a canyon and a film set. Daphne's Uncle has invited the gang to the filming of his new picture: Ape Man of Forbidden Mountain. They've been employed as extras. Apparently the townspeople, who were the old extras, have left their posts because they believe an Ape Man burnt down a mansion. Ape Men hate the wealthy, apparently... I can apreciate that.
The Gang are facing this guy but still don't see the Ape Man. Fuck that.
The film seems pretty terrible, from what we can see it pretty much just involves an Ape Menacing a girl who is evidently a porn star. She speaks like a fancy prostitute and her name is Candy Mitt.
Better than Ass Nurses 4 I guess.
They start filming. The scene depicts Candy Mitt being menaced by the Ape on a rope bridge. Everyone is impressed with the stunt man playing the Ape, commenting that he is even better than in rehearsal. Lo and Behold that's because it actually is the Ape Man, which surprised none of us. Scooby freaks out and contorts into this shape:
Seriously, he would have to dislocate his arms to manage that. The Ape begins to shake the rope bridge and Scooby Doo, acting completely out of character, rushes in to save Candy. The only way this can make sense, I have reasoned, is if Scooby is into Candy. Otherwise why else would he do it? Scooby is a coward, that's his character.
Scooby is weirdly active in this Episode and literally no reason is given as to why.
Scooby beats the shit out of the Ape. Everyone applauds him, but it's really robotic, like they're going through the motions. "well. done. scooby." Weird. They search for the missing stuntman, by which I mean going through his belongings in his trailer. They find an Ape Man mask, one that looks exactly like the Ape Man from earlier, but for some reason their suspicions aren't raised. I guess they're retarded. Whatever the case it terrifies Scooby and makes him fat.
"It's just fear fat, Scoob. It'll pass."
Seriously, look there he couldn't fit his legs behind that box. The box actually contains the Stuntman, which is nice. For some reason everyone seems really pissed at Scooby in this one. Like he's done something really bad before the episode started and they haven't forgiven him yet. It's disconcerting. Anywho, the stuntman and the porn star quit, which, let's be honest, is fair enough.
Scooby cares not for the plight of the common man.
The gang, of course at Fred's insistence, decide that they'll stay around and solve the mystery. It's not really a mystery though, is it? It's more of an ape.
Just an Ape.
They decide to search the remains of the burnt mansion. Whilst looking for clues Shaggy and Scooby find half a hamburger and decide it's ok to eat. The gang stop them, not because it's probably moldy and covered in the urine of the crack addicts and homeless people who no doubt frequent this abandoned mansion, but because it is apparently a clue.
Velma about to give the Hamburger the gift of life.
Apparently the Ape Man was eating the sandwich, because Velma can tell the claw marks of an Ape Man all of a sudden. Daphne says: "That's odd! Apes don't eat meat." which is just not true, but nobody corrects her. Wait, no fuck these guys! No once cares about the fact that an Ape Man ordered a hamburger, that's not the issue here, it's that Apes are apparently strict vegetarians. Fuck that!
Not each other! Dammit Fred, Daphne is just not into it!
The gang find a parrot in one of the rooms, although it looks more like one of those prehistoric nearly birds than anything else. Plus it is totally irrelevant to the rest of the plot. Just a random parrot for no good reason.
Seriously what the hell is this?
The Ape Man then attacks them on a board with wheels.
SkateApe! Coming to a theater near you!
But it was just a stuffed Ape, so.... ok? They move into another room and begin looking for clues. Daphne thinks that perhaps there are some on the shelf (confusing clues with candles? Or dust?) and accidentally presses a button which sends Fred through a secret door. There's then this surreal scene where Scooby walks in front of a window, and the Ape Man puts on a Scooby mask and makes Scooby think he's looking in a mirror. I don't even have to voice my questions here, I know you're all thinking them too.
Whatever. A chase scene then ensues which once again ends with Scooby fighting the Ape. He sort of barks at it as the Ape freaks out and backs away. He backs into a darknened area and everyone freaks out, Shaggy screams at Daphne to turn on some lights, something that makes her so nervous her eyes dislocate.
A pox on your house!
They escape the Ape Man and all is well. They meet back up with Fred who has found the equipment for the final shoot of the film. They decide to use the net used in the film to trap the ape, to trap the Ape Man in real life. They bribe Scooby and Shaggy to act as bait, something that shouldn't really come as a surprise for them. There's an extended chase scene where Scooby and Shaggy are chased by the Ape Man. It's kind of genuinely frightening as the Ape Man is pretty much just a gorilla; if it wasn't accompanied by wacky hijink musics it would be a scary scene.
Gorrilas can straight up murder you're ass.
They lead the Ape Man into the trap, but Velma fucks up and pulls the wrong switch. She also has the body of a Rugby Player for this scene.
The trap works, despite all odds, and it turns out the Ape Man was... we don't know, because they got Shaggy instead. Is it just me or are there too many lumps in this sac for just one man. Creepy.
Perhaps... tentacles?
Let me know what you think Shaggy has there in the comments. The gang finds a tunnel in a wine barrel, and decide to follow it. The tunnel leads out to the actors trailers, which the gang once again decides to ransack. Shaggy finds a Jiffy Camera in one, in what I assume is product placement because he talks about how it can develop in under a minute, and accidentally takes a photo of the Ape Man without his mask. They trap him and reveal his identity: The Stuntman. Who could've guessed?
Literally any response I make will be dripping with sarcasm.
There's some more tomfuckery and we are left with this image.
It's like they are outright mocking me.
Fuck you Scooby Doo.

Goodnight everybody!

Jackson Bee.


  1. Dude, I have loved every one of your posts. Funny stuff.

    WTF, the ape had a Scooby mask? And not just any Scooby mask - a perplexed looking Scooby mask? That's asinine.

  2. Thanks man, love your stuff as well. I've been reading through you, Blogger Beware and Fear Street, so many excellent summaries.

    Yeah, I'm just disconcerted by the whole mask thing, like, how did he make it? or did he buy it? Is someone manufacturing puzzled looking Scooby Masks? It's sort of terrifying.

  3. Hehehe, I loved the Scooby-Doo mask scene. I'm getting one from a mask maker that actually made one resembling the mask used in that episode! I always thought that perplexed look was just one of Scooby's average expressions...

  4. Awesome. I don't know about it being one of his regular expressions, he kind of looks like he just got some really bad news.

  5. Better yet, here's a picture of my mask:

  6. Hehe, I've always liked the Scooby-Doo mask part. In fact I have a mask very similar to that:

  7. Guess what? A Scooby mask like the one the Ape Man had is now becoming a reality...

    (Photo of the actual mask):

    I already pre-ordered one. At least he's not giving a puzzled look; instead it's just one of his average expressions :P

  8. This may not sound fair, because it’s not

    But did you know that you can be a guy’s dream girl...

    I mean, you can literally check off every box on his “perfect woman” list...

    But if you mess up this one thing, he’ll drop you the second another option comes along?

    My friend James Bauer discovered this missing “secret ingredient” all men are constantly searching for in a woman.

    And most women have no clue it exists because guys aren’t even aware of it.

    We just KNOW when it’s missing.

    ===> The “Secret Ingredient” to obsessive love <=====

    The really cool thing is, when you know how to give a man this “secret ingredient”...

    It will send a shockwave of desire for you straight to his brain and he will HAVE to have you.

    In fact, when you do this... watch his face light up, almost as if he’s just been zapped.

    It’s that moment when he says to himself “Where have you BEEN all my life?”

    Every woman should know this. Check it out here: ====> Why men leave “perfect” women... <=====