03: Hassle in the Castle

We open on a spooky looking dilapidated castle, crumbling in the middle of, either mist or swamp I don't know which. A ghost pulls out a telescope and creates one of the strangest images I've seen in a while. I then have to eat my words as we see the gang sailing (another goddam boat) with Scooby Doo floating just above the deck. 

Also Velma looks like she only has one tooth.

Daphne is complaining about the fog; Velma decides to isolate herself some more and babbles off some fake science about pressure fronts. She says the world 'mugilations' at one point, and that's not a word. Fred, understandably, doesn't care, and pretty much just tells her so.


Shaggy tries to make a sandwich, only to have it stolen from him by Scooby. It's a pretty unremarkable scene we've seen countless times before, but I wanted to bring it to your attention because this still, exactly at the moment Shaggy has bitten into a sandwich that is no longer there.

A racist demon levitates a pimento olive.

Just then their boat runs aground on, I kid you not, Haunted Isle, causing Fred to pose like a male model. Just a second, Haunted Isle? Where are they? What sea? Are they even on the sea? Spooky Isle is just like maybe a kilometre with a Castle on it. Who thought it was worthwhile to build a castle here? Fuck you Scooby Doo.


On the island they find a piece of map under a crab. This is how I feel about that.

Yeah, not happy.

On the back of the map are the words: DANGER Leave Haunted Isle. Scooby Doo reads that which brings us to the frightening realisation that Scooby Doo is at least as smart as a six year old. That's all kinds of wrong. Instead of heeding the words of the crabmap, they decide to find out who sent them the message. They decide that the best way to do this is to explore the Pirate Castle. As far as I know this is not, and has never been, part of the Pirate mythology. Fairly sure pirates had boats. Just saying.

Inside the castle is a Medieval Knight. So, deal with that. After some walking Daphne falls down a trapdoor, Fred, who saw it happen asks: "What happened?" So, deal with that as well. We then get one of the most terrifying screams ever, it's as though a clown and a ventriloquists doll made love with a porcelain doll and this laugh is the result.


Everybody runs and in a hilarious turn of events, decides to use Velma as their means of transport. The below image is worth mulling over just for the shape of Fred's spine.

Why Velma? Was she shocked? I find this so hilarious.

Turns out Daphne is trapped in a dungeon somewhere, she decides on a direction using her 'intuition'. Is that her contribution to the group? Her intuition? Well that's depressingly sexist.


Shaggy and Scoob are separated from the group and meet the coolest Scooby Doo character ever: A glowing skull that gives them directions. He's just so casual.


Shaggy: Which way did they go?
Skull: Thataway.
Shaggy: Thanks man.
Skull: S'allright.

He kind of talks like The Spirit of Jazz

Brilliant.


Shaggy and Scoob bolt. The next shot is of Daphne holding a vase above her head, she then hears the sound of Scooby and Shaggy running. "Someone's coming!" she yells. So, like, was she just standing there with the Vase anyway? I like to think she got confused and picked up the vase in defence.


They all meet up again and suddenly the ghost appears. It looks kind of cool in its way, but it sounds like a Drag Queen. Also it can't disappear so it runs. Ha.


Daphne finds a 'clue' which is just a giant key.

Try to conceive a way this makes sense.

I don't.... Why?.... what?....


There's some clever thinking regarding a clue written on the key ("The best place to find a book is a library!" - Daphne) and they end up in the library looking at a book. You know what that means:

It's Mockery Machine Crazy Writing Funtime!

I think it says 'From the knights shall battle our stairs' on the second page there. What did you get?


Anyway, the discover that they need to be in the catacombs. In said catacombs is a sarcophagus, so, deal with that a third time. Fred demands Scooby explore them, to which he begins contorting himself and acting injured, Velma once again calls him a ham, and Scooby caves and does it for some Scooby Snacks.

Ham.

Inside the catacombs is a whole bunch of 'Magic Stuff' which is mostly like parlour tricks and magicians equipment. The ghost appears and there's an extended chase sequence, and the gang escapes. Fred builds a trap and once again sends Scooby in danger by instructing him to find the phantom, somehow reasoning that Scooby will be able to smell it.


Scooby concedes when Fred tells him he could be like John Wayne. This is Scooby being John Wayne.

He looks more like Poirot but what ever.

Velma once again calls Scooby a ham. Fucking Hell Velma, you have to be consistent. Not everything makes him a ham.


Another extended chase scene and the Phantom is captured. Turned out it was a magician or something, wanted in 6 states. That's pretty impressive. What's he doing on Haunted Isle? you ask. Is he a serial killer and he's laying low whilst the heat is on? Well no, apparently he's looking for treasure, and dressing up like a ghost to.... I don't know. The island is deserted, nobody ever goes there. I guess he just was.


Then, and maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like the policeman (Oh, there was a policeman on the island. Don't ask.) seems to suggest that the villain is going to be executed. I quote: "Well, his scaring days are over. The great bluestone is going to do a final disappearing act, courtesy of the county jail." Christ.

Policeman: "Looks like he'll be getting the chair."
Shaggy: "That'll be a shock!" 

Everything wraps up, (poorly), and Scooby Doo digs up a groundhog who cusses at him in groundhog. What a ham.


Goodnight everybody.


Jackson Bee.