12: Scooby Doo and Mummy, Too.

Hey guys, so I'm back after an inexplicable absence. Hopefully this post will make up for that, and, when the title has a completely useless comma in it, you know you're in for a good time.

We open on an exterior shot of the Department o Archeology, and quickly transition to a sarcophageus full of mummy and a jowly pedophile.

Mummy and the Pedophile!

Zoom out to reveal that the jowly pedophile and the mummy are acompanied by a suspicious looking foreign gentleman in a fez.

Mummy and the Pedophile Starring: Suspicious Foreign Gentleman!

Turns out the suspicious gentleman is a Doctor; Doctor Najib. Who has been trying to make a replica of the mummies tomb. He also mentions that the mummy comes with a curse, like all good mummies should. If a mummy doesn't have a curse there's probably something wrong with it and you should take it back. This news freaks Fred out and he pulls a face.

Nooooooo!

Apparently the mummy, who goes by the name of Ankha, vowed that if he was ever removed from his tomb he would turn those who did so to stone. During this explanation Scooby is menaced by a cat, but it was so overwhelmingly humorless I decided not to report it.

Seriously, who cares.

Doctor Najib bids them all goodnight, and the jowly pedophile asks the Gang if they're still up for helping him that night. I like this because it shows that the Gang is taking shitty labor jobs (I assume they will be moving boxes into the wee hours of the morning) to pay for their dog food and petrol. The Gang laugh of Najib's story and Shaggy begins touching priceless artifacts.

For fucks sake Shaggy, not ok.

Somehow he isn't immediately arrested, and they all get sandwiches. Whilst the Gang is gone the jowly pedophile (I don't think we've heard his real name yet) discovers that the Mummy of Akha has disappeared.

Like a shell without a snail.

The Gang, meanwhile, are at a malt shop buying food. For some reason only the men are getting sandwiches, whilst Daphne and Velma are possibly gambling in the background.

A hidden addiction.

It all comes to a dollar fifty, and I find myself wishing I lived in a time like that. Shaggy, being a deadbeat, tries to pay for his meal with the golden coin he was handling earlier. He tried to explain it away, but you can tell Fred is mad.

"Shaggy so help me God..."

They come back to the Department of Archeology to find the professor sitting at his desk made of stone. What's weird about this scene is that the professor is obviously made of stone, but that the Gang don't realize until they turn on his desk-lamp. Bizarre.

"Well this just seems like a regular office, I'll just turn on the light- GUAGH!"

Shaggy then remarks that he has turned into 14 Karat Stone, which is pretty strange, and then Fred says: "Stone?" like the very concept of stone is new and frightening to him. Velma blames the mummy and the Gang go investigating. They find the sarcophagus sans Mummy, and notice that someone has broken in. At one point there is some kind of fish-king statue which is awesome.

See it? In the background? It's got an awesome hat.

They split up and look for clues, which results, predictably, in hijinks. Such as Scooby, Shaggy, and Velma locking the mummy in a Janitors Closet.

Kind of weirded out that the door just has Janitor written on it. Like that's where they keep the janitor.

Then pretending to be a very ugly Alexander and Cleopatra.

Just embarresing right?

And Scooby hiding in a vase. Velma's headdress tickles her nose and she sneezes (which sounds disturbingly like an orgasm) revealing herself and Shaggy to the mummy. The mummy chases them to a locked door and demands the coin Shaggy unscrupulously stole. Velma for some reason doesn't want Shaggy to give it to the mummy, which is a bit rough because it is the mummy's property.

"You guuuuuys! Give me my cooooiiin!"

Scooby ends up punching the mummy square in the stomach, which crushes his arm because the mummy is made of granite.

I can't even imagine what his bones are doing there.

Scooby then dresses like a Karate Master and Karate's the fuck out of the mummy. I think he's saying Nagasaki whenever he hits the mummy, which is kind of creepy.

"Nagasaki! Nagasaki! Nagasaki!" Seriously.

Fred and Daphne, meanwhile, are searching the grounds. They find some footprints which lead them to Doctor Najib from earlier. He's turned to stone in his car, a fact that Fred, the grasshopper-human hybrid, finds disturbing to say the least.

"After we solve the mystery we will eat the children as they slumber!"

Daphne, on the other hand, has seen Fred for what he really is and is on the point of vomiting.

"No... No what am I seeing!"

Velma and Shaggy find a piece of the mummy's bandaging, and then take it to the School Lab to run it through a "test" to determine it's age. Oh man Velma, I don't know if I can deal with your shit anymore. Your test consists of you boiling the bandage. Fuck you. Shaggy is apparently creeped out by the lab, probably because it reminds him of all the Meth Labs he grew up in, and Scooby drinks some Mountain Dew and becomes a frog.

So... yeah.

The mummy turns up and everyone runs, accidentally leaving Scooby in the lab. They reenter the lab to find Scooby missing, and decide that the mummy must have stolen him, which prompts Velma and Shaggy to make some incredible faces which I will now use whenever I have to show shock.

Best ever.

They find Scooby's statue, and then Scooby himself and decide that something fishy is up. They travel to the jowly pedophiles office to dig up some more clues. They find some clues, something about a fat statue of a hippo, but are once again attacked by the mummy.

"AYEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"

More hijinks happen, which result in some truly bizarre screengrabs:

Who

Knows

What's

Happening.

Craazy. Shaggy and Scooby, whilst hiding in a shed, find Jowly Pedophile trapped in a sack. They ignore him and begin chasing the mummy with a lawnmower. They end up in the gym and through a series of Rube Goldberg style events, the mummy ends up in the basketball net.

Nuthin but mummy!

They unmask him to reveal Dr. Najib, the suspicious foreign gentleman from earlier. He knew about the secret of the coin, which was the key to a diamond scarab worth a fortune, and so dressed up like a mummy and chased some teenagers. Christ.

Unhappy to be back.

Goodnight everybody!

Jackson B.